Jail: For Dummies

I've been to jail, it's not fun. I don't care how many poems Tupac ever wrote about being locked up, it is no picnic. Murder was not the case that they gave me and I did not arrive at Chino rolling on the Grey Goose.

So, immediately upon my arrival into what law enforcement calls Central Booking (I call it the viewing area) where I am now gazed upon by potential romantic interests, I start my magical journey into the system.

There are several things to do at this point:

First, make sure you don't smile. NEVER smile. This shit ain't funny. It's real motherfucker!
Second, act pissed off at everything the guards tell you. If you get a chance, say things like 'this is that bullshit" or "them niggas gon' feel me when I raise up out this bitch". Inmates will immediately think that you are hard and your chances of being left alone go up drastically.

Once you are furnished your citrus colored jumpsuit, it's on!

Slide your feet as you walk. Nothing says, don't fuck with me, like a dude in orange shower shoes sliding across the prison floor. MEAN MUG! This is a must. Pretend a group of illegal immigrants had kidnapped your mom and took turns sticking their fists in her. Then, after the fisting, 1 of the immigrants took a hot shit on her face while the other 3 perform a Brown Round Robin with her feet pointing due north as she screams for a timeout. But I digress.

Now comes the most important part - ready to make an entrance so back on up, you know you're about to rip shit up. Cell door opens and you float in to an audience of thugs waiting to see where you rank on the food chain.

Well, if you've followed the steps, you should be lined up with the carnivores.

BAM!

Didn't see that coming. As you were showcasing your mug to your new friends, you were snuck in the back of the head.

Suddenly, everything goes dark but you are still able to hold on to consciousness. Good thing too, because you don't want to miss what happens next.

Once your pants have been ripped off like crepe paper, you will feel what can only be described as "pressure".

The initial jolt will be enough to make even the largest man cringe. This will go on for about 10 minutes. If you are lucky, one of your new "friends" will deliver a blow to the back of your head hard enough to render you inoperable. You will welcome this as the alternative will be gruesome.

Suppose you are spared the shot to the dome. You will almost certainly have several penises in your mouth for an undetermined amount of time.

What will seem like years will only be a span of close to 18 minutes. The agony will only be passed by your shame.

From this point on, you will used like a cherry flavored condom whenever your boyfriends feel like it. I hope you are able to find a happy place often.

The best way to avoid all of this is to not be born black.

The defense rests.