Don't tran me bro.

     Every straight man is afraid of being slipped a trannie. The thought of hitting on a woman who is actually a man is terrifying. It's the equivalent of catching crabs, you feel dirty and betrayed. I have no problem with gays but dude be courteous and let a brother know.
     It is also getting hard to spot them with today's trends. With plastic surgery being so common its hard to tell an ugly girl from a pretty guy. Removing the speed bump and replacing it with a manhole isn't helping us either. Having fake tits and a descent ass might make some of us straights reconsider. Sure he may have the equipment of a female but the thought of it is still skeevy.
     So how do us straight men protect ourselves? Well the following technique has not failed me and I recommend it in times of doubt. Every mans index finger is shorter than his ring finger, for women it is the opposite. So when you think a chick might be packing a meat popcicle look at her hands. If that ring finger is overshadowing the index you need to cock block yourself.

Should I get the clothes hanger or you?

     One of the worst situations for a man is when a chick announces shes pregnant. There is some unwritten rule where we are supposed to keep our mouths shut and accept her decision. I say fuck that, all guys run that scenario in their heads and it ends with punching her in the stomach. I believe women have a choice but so do we.
     I don't know how other guys operate but I tell women straight up, no. If you get pregnant your taking a "baby-go-away" tablet. There is no keeping it. So be prepared to do some shots and a fall down a flight of steps. Also don't be cute and show up later already in your third trimester. Unless you want me to use your belly as a dart board.
     This may sound a bit harsh but we are both adults and have made a decision. The problem, one person breaks the verbal agreement. The solution, we should allow binding contracts into this situation. Where we both agree we are fucking without the intention of creating a baby. If a baby should arise from said fucking it is agreed that it will be aborted. If one party decides to keep said baby they can do so with the understanding that the other party has no legal or financial obligation to said baby. How much simpler would life be if this was reality? It would also prevent women from latching onto men by using a baby as handcuffs.
     The truth is condoms are not 100% effective and some women will lie about birth control. Having a child is a major life altering decision and should not be forced on someone. I am willing to go to extreme lengths to prevent such a disaster from occuring. Like not giving a chick my real name, address, phone number or any other information that can be used against me. So if she does get pregnant I can make a clean get away. Out of sight out of mind, right fellas.

Sex position of the week: The Houdini

     The Houdini is when you have sex with your girl, doggy style, as she stares out of a window. You have one of your friends sneak into the room and take your place. It is tricky to replace your dick with his but practice makes perfect. You sneak out of the house and wave to your girl from outside as she peers through the window at you. She is now in shock as her mind tries to comprehend what just happened. Please be aware that this is considered rape. It is also best that the room your fucking in is on the first floor of the house or you will need a ladder.

Ass play

     I can get freaky with the best of them. I am sorry to say though I do not like my asshole played with. This is one ring that will not be slipped over your finger. If you are into it that's nice but its too risky and I just don't see the benefits. Tonight I will help out the fellas who have the same anal morals. I will explain to you ladies why its not a good idea to turn your boyfriend into a popsicle.
     I don't know what it is but some chicks are very interested in my ass. Nothing kills the mood like clenching your ass cheeks down on a girls index finger, almost breaking it, as she tries to stick it up your ass while giving you a blow job. I would of felt bad but she did try to rape me. The only ass play tolerable is cupping a cheek. Anything beyond that you are risking a donkey punch.
     If you do manage to get your man to play along it is risky for you. His new found interest will get out of control. If we can play a video game for five hours straight imagine what we would do with a new form of sex. It will only be a matter of time before your wearing a dildo and fucking him. If most men are selfish enough to cum first and not finish you off afterwards, good luck with anal sex. I would also not rule out the possibility of coming home and finding his shit on your vibrator.

Don't be straight with me

     How can you not like gay guys? They set fashion trends, give us new sex positions (example: the rusty trombone) and we all love gay jokes. What straight man hasn't told other men to suck his dick?
Gays also provide public services. All fat chicks need a shoulder to cry on and who else would be their friends. I'm not going to lie it also raises your self esteem when other dudes hit on you. In this recession straight guys will go to gay bars for the free drinks. Sure you may have to tolerate an ass grab or cock grind but its still better than paying $10.00 for your own beer.
     Unless you have a fear of being raped you shouldn't hate gay guys. If anything straight guys should pray for more gays. It would just be more pussy for the rest of us. Except for lesbians, they are useless.

Your a whore until you turn 30

     Everyone loves a cougar. Women find it empowering and men find it attractive. It has become fashionable for an older woman to seduce a younger man. The double standard which has labeled women as whores for having an active sex life is slowly fading. If credit is due for this recent phenomena it would have to be directed towards Kim Cattrall and her character Samantha Jones on the show "Sex and the City".
     Ladies can now enjoy aging as long as they maintain some form of sex appeal. Men will always welcome the no nonsense, independent, horny older woman. We will look passed the extra jiggle and roast beef looking pussy lips for no strings attached ass. Also the word cougar transforms the whole situation. It adds a touch of class to the actual act of making an old ladies pussy fart.
     Men love this scenario because it looks impressive to have a cougar on our resume. It draws the curiosity of other women and represents a sense of maturity. It also doesn't hurt not having to deal with the headaches of a younger girl. Nothing can soften up a hard dick like a chick running off at the mouth.
     I believe the cougar movement is predominant due to the poor quality of woman today. These young girls are growing up without proper guidance. Though all their online profiles state "independent woman" a 25 year old chick who has her own place, job and can cook is hard to come by. You can't blame men for wanting to fuck your mom if she puts you to shame in a bathing suit.

Fag Facts

Fag Fact #43


Not all male fags take it in the ass. the majority love taking it straight to the face and then receiving a hot lunch to the chest

Pussy eating denial

     Most men go down on their women. A select few choose not too but the majority who deny it, do it. I'm a guy and I don't understand why some men pretend they don't eat pussy. I cant get the affiliation with muff diving and being emasculate. I don't see how another dude can look down on me for doing it. I love women and enjoy getting to first base with their fuzzy peach.
     I appreciate guys who don't eat punany though. It makes me look like a god when I do. I want her bragging to friends about me shucking her clam with my tongue. Even if I didn't like doing it, I still would just to have the favor returned. Pussy eating can even save a date and your reputation. All guys have that one night where your dick is day dreaming and not performing well. Your tongue can step up to bat for you. If she orgasms, do you think shes cares how it happened? No, women have the same goal as us at the end of the night, to cum.
     In regards to denying kissing a girl on her pantie lips, its one of the most stupidest things to hide. You either lick pussy or suck dick, maybe both if your a greedy bisexual. You are not what you eat and women love a man whose comfortable with his sexuality. To deny it means you have an insecurity about yourself.

Cadillac pimpin'

You know, white people have higher standards for the automobiles that they drive -it's a fact. Most brothers are satified with a 20 year old luxury car as long as he can squeeze a fold out DVD/STEREO in it and outfit it with 32" chrome wagon wheels.

That being said, here is why black folk and caddys are funny.

I GOT'S A CADILLAC BUT,

-I HAVE TO OPEN MY DOOR TO ORDER AT THE DRIVE THROUGH BECAUSE MY ELECTRIC WINDOWS BE BROKE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER

-I HAVE NO CLEARCOAT ON MY CAR BECAUSE THE PROJECTS THAT I LIVE IN HAVE NO COVERED PARKING

-THE UPHOLSTERY ON THE CEILING IS SO RIPPED IT LOOKS LIKE AN UPSIDE DOWN VELVET FIRE WHEN THE WINDOWS ARE DOWN (WHICH THEY USUALLY AREN'T CAUSE THEY BE BROKE LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER)

-MY STEREO SYSTEM COST ME $7000 AND MY DUBS COST ME $8000 BUT MY 1984 DEVILLE IS ONLY WORTH $400.

-MY STEREO IS MADE UP OF 90% SUBWOOFERS AND 10% 6X9'S THAT ARE LAID IN THE BACK DASH, NEVER INSTALLED CORRECTLY. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT.

-MY MOLDING IS PEELING OFF THE CAR SO I BOUGHT THEM CHROME LOOKING DOOR HANDLES AND VENTS THAT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE IT GO FAST. BUT IT DON'T.

-MY SEAT BACK ONLY HAS ONE POSITION, ALL THE WAY DOWN. I DRIVE BETTER WHEN ALL YOU SEE IS THE TIP OF MY HAT.

-I CAN'T HANG ENOUGH PINE TREE AIR FRESHENERS ON MY REAR VIEW MIRROR. CADILLAC NEEDS TO ENGINEER SOME HOOKS OR SOME SHIT THAT A NIGGA CAN HANG LIKE 200 OF THESE BITCHES ON.



I can go on and on. We all know it. Brothers will be brothers.

This is Afro.

Keepin' it real.

Masturbating on my social network

     Men will take any piece of technology and apply it to his cock. The telephone, television and the internet have all ended up in our arsenal of self love making. The latest advancement in efficient masturbation has been the social networks. Myspace and Facebook have relieved men of the stress of sexually imagining his female friends and co-workers. With the click of a mouse we are provided photos of the desired women in our lives.
     I doubt many ladies have thought of their profile pics being used as porn. I hope now you will think twice before accepting a friend invite. But yes, when you add us you're giving men the permission to stroke their pole to your images. The photos of you do not have to be erotic. A family portrait can be up for grabs and used in the dirtiest of ways.
     I'm sure after reading this you are now upset. You shouldn't be, if anything you should feel flattered. The best thing for you to do now is to separate family and personal pics into two albums. Also, be courteous and continue to add photos to your profile to keep our dicks interested.

Damn it, Jose! Pull out for once!

Mexican DNA is a tricky thing. They have a survival instinct that makes Bear Grylls look like a girl scout. It's not often you see a Mexican woman who is not pregnant. Usually, the only way they're not is if she's over 65. Even then, it's a crap shoot.

They're reproducing faster than Barack Obama can print money. We can't afford to keep farming these roaches. It's like a grey hair. You get rid of one and seven appear.

At least they're useful. Aside from smelling like beans and the strange facial hair they have that never seems to grow right, they are quite pleasant. Just stop fucking for one day! One!

We could literally save millions, no, quadrillions if we would have a National Mexicans Can't Fuck Day. Just think of it. Charity hospitals would appreciate it and so would Babies R Us. That's right, Babies R Us. How? Because don't you think they are a little tired of apologizing to these beaner moms because none of the personalized sippee cups near the register have names like Hector, Juan, Bucho, Nacho or Carlos. Take the hint beaner.

At least Americans make some attempt at giving their child some sort of individuality with random names. Beaners have 8, maybe 9, options.

I mean, come on! Their descendants were Mayan!!! They shouldn't be so stupid.

I shouldn't complain though. If they were smarter, who else would I get to cut my grass for $3.00?

We are way beyond metro sexual

     Its scary to see what has become fashionable for men. Gay hairstyles (Bieber), tight jeans, feminine colors and heavy "V" neck shirts. Seriously what woman desires a man that looks like a girl. You should cut your losses and go straight to pussy eating. Any man who dresses as described is not going to fuck you right.
If it takes longer for him to do his hair then you, its a problem. You ever wonder why dudes hit on you in front of him. Its because we thought he was your ugly girlfriend. Even if we do recognize him as a man, then we assume hes gay. Seriously is it sexy to have to brush your boyfriends hair back when you kiss.
     It is also not cool if your boyfriends ass looks better in jeans. Hes wearing tight denim for a reason; there is nothing significant between his legs to cause discomfort. Its funny when I see a dude like this in the club. He does the traditional pose with the thumbs in the front pockets. He would like his entire hand to fit but he has a quarter in there and space is limited.
     I could kill that fag, garbage rapper Cam'ron for introducing pink to men's fashion. Real men don't wear feminine colors. Our closets don't contain pink, purple, neon or pastel colors. You would be lucky if you find more than two yellow shirts in there. Men also don't show cleavage. Heavy "V" neck shirts symbolize that you enjoy receiving boo-cocky. It says "I enjoy cum in my face but don't want it to drip on my collar". Seriously its not sexy for a guy to show half his chest and shoulders.
     At this time I am benefiting from these soft guys by women who want a real man. I can see though that if this trend continues it could become the standard. So I ask you ladies to pass on these fags and maybe they will become extinct.

The Nation of Ignorant

It's been a week or so since my last post. Sorry if some of you have committed acts of self-mutilation or overdosed on prescription narcotics due to my absence.

Today's blog is brought to you by...DUMB, JOBLESS BLACK PEOPLE.

Don't get your panties in a wad. I'm not saying all black people are jobless.

I saw this guy in a urban part of town at a local gas station. Yes, you guessed it, it was a Beeb gas station. He was yelling at the Beeb, "Gimme a pack uh camels muhfucka".



Let's break this image down, shall we?

Notice first the shirt. This was a red, military uniform complete with name decal and rank on his sleeves. I didn't get the memo from Washington that we were mobilizing Kwame and the Harrison Project's Militia. Maybe I missed it.

This ghetto joe comes equipped with a camel in his ear, prison tats, starched jeans and a Go phone with no minutes.

By the way, it was 11a.m. on a Tuesday and this lil' solja was holdin' down the front of the Beeb Mart. He had that bitch on straight LOCK! He was like, "You need dem Grape Phillies, you get at a nigga. I got you."

We keep working and they keep twirking. It's a sad reality but it's all we have. Just know that a fraction of what comes out of your paycheck went towards the purchase of everything this little thundercat is wearing.

So get your asses back to work America. D'Andre can't look this fly forever without your tax contributions. By the way, he actually said this to another guy:

"Nigga, fuck dat. It's hot like a bitch out hyuh. I'm figgin' to hit that mall. Ya'erd me?"

Too much titty

     When it comes to breasts, I prefer small. Big titties are OK but once you get past their novelty they are a burden. They effect every aspect of a women's performance and tend to sag more rapidly.
     A chick with big tits is clumsy in bed. Her motions are limited due to the extra baggage. Speed fucking and certain positions are out. Those bad boys will start flopping and become dangerous. Also if she lays on her back it looks like she has two bald guys in a headlock. Most chicks who have "C" cups and larger tend to be lazy fucks. Its to much work and back pain for her to fuck like a smaller chick. They tend to favor doggy style more than often.
     Big titties are also disgusting. In the warmer months those milk jugs will start to condensate. She will apply underarm deodorant/ antiperspirant on her tits adding to my disgust. At age thirty her tits have already began to sag noticeably. By the time shes forty they have separated and reached her abdomen. Some breast are so large that the nipples are pointing in the wrong direction or can be cock eyed. There is nothing sexy about a chick whose breast look like their staring at her feet.
     I hope you small tittied bitches enjoyed reading this post. If you have large ones lets hope they wont deteriorate as badly as I described. In the end all titties are better than fake ones.

Women have low standards

     There are two kinds of attractive women that have low standards. Spanish women and any single bitch with kids. If you want to date out of your league, these are your two options.
     I noticed that Spanish women are more into a guys personality than appearance. This isn't true if your fucking ugly but if you have average looks you have a shot. I believe its because most Spanish men are unattractive. Think about it how often do you see a good looking Spanish guy from South America? They all pretty much look like Mexicans. The rest of the Spanish countries aren't doing any better either. So these women evolved natural beer goggles.
     Another easy target is a single woman of any nationality who has kids. She fucked up her life and is looking to drag anyone into it. You have to be careful messing with these bitches because they will try to anchor you down immediately. It will be hard to get pussy from her because she wants a serious relationship now. Which is ironic because before she was fucking nigga's left and right. Also these chicks will break your pocket. You can't just take her out on a date. You have to bring her abandoned offspring with you.
     If you find yourself a single Spanish chick with kids, she is easier to get into than the condom needed.

Equal rights unless you have a nice ass

     This is a mans world and men are controlled by their dicks. It's hard to take a woman serious when we think about sex all the time. We could be diagnosed with a terminal disease and our focus would still be on the nurses ass.
     A woman can only go so far in life if shes attractive. You can be cute and successful but your role in the workplace will never reach significance. You will always be seen as a piece of meat. I am sorry but this is nature. Your face, tits and ass are appealing for a reason to draw male attention. Men know this; pretty women fail not too. Next time a man complements you ask yourself is it genuine or does he want to fuck me?
     Ugly chicks on the other hand have all the possibilities in the world. They are unattractive and must rely on their abilities. The respect they receive from men is legitimate. That in mind we should all feel sorry for the pretty girls. They are the ones that must rely on horny men to succeed in life.

So you think you can rap?

I am sick and tired of rap music. It's boring, pointless and lacking musical structure. They tell these little jungle farts that this is the only way to escape the pressures and financial burdens of the ghetto. In all actuality, it keeps them there. Money doesn't change your destiny. Just ask T.I., Lil' Wayne, C-Murder, Tupac, Biggie, Lil' Boosie and R. Kelly about that.

All they know how to do is rap about money, bitches, rims and weed. That's because they are culturally challenged and have the aptitude of an ingrown pube. The fact that people like Randy Jackson actually promotes these shitbirds and encourages them to keep "creating" good music is laughable. Randy, you need to go and choke on a dick you overpaid blob of urban shit.

As long as black people find pleasure in ignorance we will never be rid of this shitty music. They subscribe to the stereotypes that they take offense to.

Isn't it ironic, dontcha think?

I would volunteer to be the recipient of a Cleveland Steamer if Soulja Boy was able to tell me what the accidental in a G major scale is. Him don't know bout dat. You can bet your ass he doesn't. He does, however, know how to infuse the economy with his earnings by buying chains that are 1/3 his body weight and depreciating assets like $60,000 Escalades with $12,000 in bling.

He would call me a hater. I'm not hating, I'm appreciating.

We really shouldn't complain. Black people SUCK at managing money. You want my opinion? If we really want to stimulate the economy, give them their reparations that they so desperately want. They will give it all back within a week. Before they do, I suggest we all buy stock in apple Jolly Ranchers and Cadillac. I don't need Jim Kramer to predict that for me, it's jigonomics.

Soulja Boy, if you are having someone read this to you because I can only assume you are dumber than John Coffee from Green Mile, the answer is F sharp.

My man clit

     The best gift my father gave me was putting his foot down on my foreskin. He didn't have me circumcised at birth and I'm grateful today. I don't know how this Jewish tradition became fashionable but its fucked up. Uncircumcised foreskin gets more propaganda than weed. Worst of all women encourage it.
This is one reason why I feel religion is wrong. Parents are willing to have cosmetic surgery done on their child in the name of god. I could understand Jews getting circumcised in the time of the pyramids. Exposed foreskin acts like a catchers mitt with all that sand blowing but today's lifestyle nullifies that. Even in these times the hygienic argument still arises.
     The statistics that say dicks with natural lips are more likely to catch sexually transmitted diseases are bias. As we all know circumcision isn't popular in third world countries which also have high s.t.d rates because of reckless sex practices. The two subjects are coincidental and not related. The belief that a circumcised man horn is cleaner than one that's not is also b.s. Personal hygiene decides cleanliness not one's body parts.
     I am disgusted when women back circumcisions. You are supposed to be the most rational of the species. Yet you want to take our tip away like a waiter who forgot to bring you water. Removing the foreskin is equivalent to cutting a girls clit off. Its the most sensitive part of a mans dick and removing it is like having a tv without the remote control.
     I hope this post helps your unborn son.

I's 'fraid of da' water

Yesterday, on the news, there was a report that 6 black kids drowned in a river near Shreveport, LA. The reporter went on to say how 1 in 4 black Americans can't swim and are more likely to drown. Someone she interviewed, a black elderly woman whose son drowned'd, began a program that teaches blacks how to swim. She went on to say that whites were more privileged than blacks and had their own pools growing up. First of all, I didn't have a pool in my backyard growing up. According to a study that I just made up, 1 in 171 homes had pools when I was growing up.

WTF???

Whites more privileged than blacks???

Well, how about this? I think that blacks have WAY more privileges than whites. Allow me to explain.

Below is an excerpt from a song (if you can really call it that) by Soulja Boy. It's called "Pretty Boy Swag". Read over the lyrics which I have posted verbatim.

G5kids
Soldier, soldier, soldier
Soulja, soulja, soulja
All the pretty girls stand up
All the pretty boys stand up
Pretty boys in the building

Dis right here is my swag
All the girls are on me damn
Everybody pay attention
Dis right here is my pretty boy swag,
Pretty boy swag, pretty boy swag, pretty boy swag
Girls on my dick when I pretty boy swag
Girls scream my name when I pretty boy swag
Watch me pretty boy swag, pretty boy swag, pretty boy swag,
Pretty boy swag
Girls on my dick when I pretty boy swag
Girl scream my name when I pretty boy swag

What do you think would happen if the Rolling Stones or Willie Nelson threw up some shit like this on an album? They would be chastised for being one notch above a kid suffering from Downs Syndrome. Soulja Boy is a black kid who has been made famous by an army of uneducated non-swimmers. Because he is a moron, the public accepts this work. Apparently, being black has it's own privileges.

Here are a few other privileges bestowed upon them:

welfare
free/discounted housing
free food
free health care
free childcare
free education
the month of February
B.E.T.
The Black Grammy Awards
The Black Globe Awards
The Image Awards
N.A.A.C.P.
The African-American Literary Awards
Ms Black America
VIBE, JET and EBONY magazines
President Obama (talk about your all time backfire)
Al Sharpton
Tyler Perry's endless list of awful movies
The Wayans brothers



If any black people have a problem with this, you can confront me on it. I'll be splashing around in my swimming pool.

Butt I don't want to

     At one point a woman will be asked to take it in the ass. Instead of immediately saying no, ask yourself why is he requesting it? Is it because hes a freak? Has your sex life become boring? or is your pussy worn out and no longer tight?
     It should be no mystery that men's dicks have A.D.D. They have a short attention span and are drawn to anything new and exciting. Ladies should know when their punnany starts to slack. I can tell you that the penis requires a warm cozy spot to sleep in. If your vagina refuses to provide such shelter your ass becomes prime real estate.
     In conclusion, if you want to keep men out of your ass ladies then maintain your pussy. Douche regularly and practice your kegel's.